The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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