proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
