I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
All the doctor said was why
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
