i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
