but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Drake has all the answers
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize