Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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