3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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