I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize