He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize