we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
