she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
