first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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