i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
