from now on my penis is your penis
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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