Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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