my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
