what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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