my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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