obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
