i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
