i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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