Moan for me like Helen Keller
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
