Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
