You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
