Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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