You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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