I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
