At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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