Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
