Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize