It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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