Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I want a musical about memes.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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