You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
