mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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