not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
