He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
