I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize