Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i drank out of a bidet.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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