Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
