i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
