I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
