everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
be right there i have to get my cape
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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