I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
