The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just blew my weed a kiss
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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