8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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