I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
