my mouth tastes like poor choices
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
