he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize
