Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
