The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
