If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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