You made me cry and you don't even care
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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