You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
