i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
