So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
