Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
