I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Blood and glitter go together right?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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