70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
