What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize