I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There's always time for handjobs
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
