worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
