Say something about gay babies.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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