So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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