After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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