Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
