yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
