for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
