I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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