i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I met the friendliest cop last night
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize