My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You need Xanax blowdarts
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
