Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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