I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
