All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
soo... how was my night?
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