Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
