tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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